If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
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My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.