I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
You Might Also Like
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.