“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
You Might Also Like
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too