If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
You Might Also Like
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
sigh
I’m a bad influence on myself.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.