If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
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I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Namaste
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.