that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
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*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I鈥檓 doing a book report on a book I didn鈥檛 read.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
It be like that sometimes 馃槅
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 馃槀馃ぃ
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can鈥檛 can you? That鈥檚 because you鈥檙e the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I鈥檓 only going to say this 175,276 more times.
For once I鈥檇 like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I鈥檓 being identified in a police lineup.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?