I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
You Might Also Like
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I triple waxed for this?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU