My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
You Might Also Like
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross