richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
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This kinda thing happens to me often
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Nothing.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas