My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
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I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Hey i am sexy to you now
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
just left a huge legacy in there
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.