If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Self-cleaning conscience
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.