{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
You Might Also Like
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
But that’s none of my business
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.