[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
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[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.