BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Why does laundry happen to good people?
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice