SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
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oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God