Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
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Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair