dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
You Might Also Like
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
*pronounces woah like Noah*
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn