I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
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[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!