Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
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Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
This came to me in a dream.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.