A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
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My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
first you must answer his riddles
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana