when the author kills off your favorite character πππ
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I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe β you MRS right.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Ugh Iβve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans donβt fit anymore.
Wife: itβs probably cause of all the muscle youβve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] youβre probably right.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to βput it in its place.β So, I looked at it and said, βDonβt forget that youβre only a towel,β and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Smallpox sounds so adorable