“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
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My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I am, perchance
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy