HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
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Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon