Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
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saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
This was a bad idea all around
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.