Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
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If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?