What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
You Might Also Like
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
My dress code is business-casualty.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…