I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
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Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Pigeon open mic night.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Rt to bother an English speaker
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.