10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
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Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Noah
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.