courtroom exchange of the day
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Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time