Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
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We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
another case of gang violins
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song