My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
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[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Here
Here
Here
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen