H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
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Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.