A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
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My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.