the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
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Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago