You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.