7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
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*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
She was rare, like a goth jogging
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”