[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
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I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Black Friday “markdowns” like
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.