Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
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I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple