“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
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A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.