if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
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Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
U talkin 2 me?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Said the murderer.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.