Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
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The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
twitter is a journey
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Uh oh…
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.