ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
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8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I’m not alone. I have ants.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Always…
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Who says great literature is dead?
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.