I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
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today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors