Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.