I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
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In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Safety first
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*