He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
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It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.