Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
You Might Also Like
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
#milo
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Donkey Kong sommelier
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section