Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
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The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
This is painfully accurate 😅
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.