Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
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It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
They grow up so quick
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
how much for the angry fruit?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
emergency phone