My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
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DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.